Black Out The Sun
by Miss Meggie
Summary: What happens when the center of your world falls away? They'll find out . **Sequel to Secondhand Choice**
1. Chapter 1

AN: Here is the beginning of the much asked for sequel. It's a different thing entirely. John and Sage are watching the same video, Cam is dreaming! You may need tissues enjoy!—MM

-/-/

John has known the ache of being lonesome before but this is different. Nikki is gone because she hadn't wanted to join him in the hole he'd dug himself after Luca had died. Luca died, it still doesn't feel real after all this time it's like the words are spoken in a foreign tongue he'll never learn.

The lonely, that's on him. He'd built his life his way with no allowances for attachment until Luca.

The thing tying him into a passable human being is gone. His child, and for lack of a better term his wife too.

He flips on his phone and finds the thing he seeks, he hits play. "Dad last minute advice?"

"Don't do it. I'll give you the Maserati." Luca's laugh floats frozen in time through his empty kitchen.

He lifts the caramel liquid to his lips. He doesn't even bother anymore with a glass; it's too much ceremony for the pain. He just tilts the bottle up and back, downing a large gulp of the whiskey that burns going down. The pain is nowhere near what his heart feels as the Jack coats and numbs his throat. It's his second bottle today. He backs the video up and hits play just to hear the laugh again, Cam's smile reflected back at him Luca's face.

If he just keeps hitting replay maybe in the land where his dreams and his past collide he will get his life back again. It's doubtful but he lives for those unconscious moments where Luca's still alive. Moments buried amongst John's regrets and broken heart.

-/-/-/-

"_Mama, no matter the promises I make today, you'll be forever be my first love." He smiled down at her fixing his tie._

_She retorted fiddling with his pocket square now. "Is that right? What if I object, I could…." She pointed out_

"_You won't just…remember you were first." Luca gave her a lopsided grin._

"_Hmm, well…"_

_He kissed her cheek. "If you love me let me go. I got it Mom."_

"Mama!" her mattress quakes.

"Jonah… its Saturday." She mumbled into her pillow.

"Nope Monday." She cracked open her eyes to find her five year old was right.

"Holy shit! We're late…" She sat up. "Where's Tessie?"

"Makin' my cereals." He plopped down beside her putting his head on her pillow.

"Put on pants Jo." She ordered patting his Batman covered bottom as she got out of bed.

"Ugh, Mommy you need pants too!" he points at her she's wear and old shirt of Joe's and boy cut undies.

She muttered as she sat the boy on his feet. "Shit!"

"Swear Jar Mommy." He said seriously.

"Uh uh," She watches him walk off to put on pants.

"Bubba laughin'…" he said upon return as he handed her the hairbrush. She sweeps his long dark curling at the ends hair into a squat pony tail.

"What?" She asked while making sure his hair is straight in its tail.

"Bubba's laughing at you in heaven. You gotta pays swears monies and he always laughs." He explained.

Jonah's words paused her movements. She took in a shaky breath and smiled at her little one. "You think?

He nods. "Daddy pays fivers for F bombs always don't let him gip. Bubba said."

"That's right He did! Tessa! Are you ready Baby?" she kissed his cheek as he nodded at her.

She gets Jonah ready and down stairs.

"Mommy?" Tessa calls out as her feet land on the last step.

"Yes Tess."

"Where are your pants?"

Cam groaned and ran upstairs. She came back down. "You don't match." Her daughter said imperiously.

"Its car pool lane Tessa not a red carpet event." She retorts and her daughter rolls her chocolate colored almond shaped eyes in disgust. Sometimes Cam wonders if her daughter is only truly seven years old.

In the car she calls Joe. "Say good morning Daddy!"

"Hey guys, I'd love to have morning talk but I'm busy." Joe tries hurrying off the phone.

"Mommy forgot her pants!" Tessa tattles Cam doesn't need to see the smirk to know it's there.

"I didn't forget, I slept late!" Cam defends huffing as she slams on the blinker to turn at the light.

"Again Cammie?"

"You know what Joey? Until you fucking show up for me you don't get to judge my coping skills." She snarled the condemnation in Joe's tone pushing her buttons.

"Swears jar!" Both Tess and Jonah shout with a giggle after.

"Your coping skills is that what you call that? You ain't coping Cammie your hiding baby."

"Yeah well so are you, you just get paid for it." She honks irritably at the bad driver in front of her.

"I'm not having same goddamn argument over the fucking phone Campbell!"

"Fine!" she hung up. "Fucking idiot thinks he's ." she said bitterly.

"Swears jar!" Again the kids yelled. It had become a game to them lately as the bickering between Joe and Cam worsened and Joe would conveniently be gone on longer road trips and house shows. Cam swore he volunteered for it rather than a storyline and putting on a good face for the company called for.

She shrugged and muttered a sarcastic reply. "Yeah I get it I owe thirty bucks."

-/-/-

She hung up on me!" Joe looked to the buxom brunette next to him. Nikki is totally not his type but she'd been his confidant and only friend as of late. If misery loved company his was Nikki.

"Sounded heated." She said sitting on one of the gear trunks littered about the arena.

"Yeah well, seems like lately the only thing Cammie can truly feel anymore is pissed. I get it I do, I just-I don't know where my wife went you know? He said glancing at her and then quickly away before she saw too much.

"I know… trust me I know, I wished I could help but I'll listen if you need it. I feel like no one sees me as it is. My non official step mom status. The not official thing never bothered me before, now though it's like the right to grieve belongs solely to John."

Joe shook his head grimly. "Cammie, it's not like that… we're gutted and…"

"And your nose to the grindstone makes it avoidable." Nikki said knowingly.

"It makes it bearable…"

-/-/-

Cam drives to San Diego mostly because it'd keep her awake. She likes the beach house they'd kept that's up the beach a pace from John's. She walks down the beach just to have something to do and finds John asleep, cuddling a bottle of Jack on his deck. She kicks him lightly.

"Wake up Lushy." She cracks her gum. She really wants a cigarette but she hasn't smoked since high school and she feels no need to give Joe further ammo in the verbal warfare they're currently waging on one another.

He jerks awake. "Nicole?"

"Nope just me Princess." Cam said bitingly looking him over.

He muttered sitting up/"What're you doing here?"

"Tired of moping at home. Thought I'd do some here. See if it helped. Funny thing? When your kid donates his body to science you have place to visit." She took a deep breath.

She plops down next to him. "I say this because well I kind of love you… you smell."

"You have peanut butter in your hair. So shut up."

"Then lil Jo has hair in his PB and J." she puts her sketcher bedecked feet on the coffee table in front of them.

He kicked an empty Chinese carton of the table and propped his feet up too. "Eww, so does being here help?"

She made a sour face and shook her head. "Nah, God I'm so pissed at Luca."

"I wished I could feel something useful like anger…I just feel crushed. Nicole left me you know? Can't blame her honestly, but I don't wanna fill Luca's hole with someone else."

"But pickling you liver, that'd he'd be fine with?" she gave a dry chuckle and side eyed him. He was equally dishelmed and tired looking and dare she say a little fat. He seemed to have more gray at his temples than she remembered.

"Don't judge me!" he said haughtily.

"I'm not, pass the hooch alkkie." She said making grabbing hands.

"Hooch?"

"I watch a lot of Locked Up. I identify with their impotent rage." She knocked back a slug of whiskey.

"Last time it was just me and you and a bottle it led to happier things."

She fiddled with the whiskey cap not meeting his eyes. "Ain't happening John and if it did? It wouldn't be the same seems like a life time ago I was playing hard to get and your charm worked on me."

"Fair enough." He agreed.

-/-/-/-

When three thirty rolls around she hasn't moved she's sitting in silence dipped in alcohol and dosing beside John. Her phone ringing wakes her.

She answered and before she can get out a hello Joe is tossing questions at her. "Where are you? Why is Maclaren picking up the kids? Why haven't you been answering your phone?"

"Hello to you too baby, I'm at the beach house, Maclaren has helped me raise my kids for the past twenty years, she can pick them up I haven't answered my phone because unless it's the school I didn't want too." She answered plainly.

"Maclaren's not their mother you are! What are you doing at the beach house?" He said unintentionally accusatory.

"I felt like a drive Joe, had a drink with John. It's not the end of the world Joe." She grumbled restlessly running a hand through her hair.

"Real responsible Campbell." He muttered.

What does that mean? I had one Joe. The kids aren't with me." She said watching john get to his feet and leaves her in privacy.

"Just skipping out Cam. You check out more than usual. I'm busting my ass." He growled in her ear.

"I know this is so far beyond you but I just wanted to try and take one breath and not be surrounded by him. You know nothing about that because you haven't been home in four months. Suck it up and shove it down right joey?" she shouted. Getting to her feet and pacing the deck.

"Fuck you!" He spat at her.

She laughed dryly. "Gladly baby, but unless you're going to do it with the power of your mind you have to be home for that too!"

Campbell, I'm working. Something you've been out of touch with. I've been home." He justified.

No, Joe, twenty four hours or less doesn't count."

"You wanna drown in misery Cammie? Fine but you are not taking Tessa and Jonah down with you."

"How dare you threaten me! You think I like feeling this shit? I can't fucking think, I can't breathe, I don't eat! It takes every ounce of energy I have to smile at Jonah and Tess. I hate it! It's where I'm at now though!" She yelled

She looked out at the ocean and fought the urge to cry. "And another thing Joe? The man I married would never leave me to drown he'd pull me out. I guess we've both changed." And she hung up.

"Sounded intense even for you." John said returning from the kitchen.

She shrugged. "Seems like somewhere between Joe carrying him into the hospital that final time and now…we've lost each other. The only thing we know how to do anymore is fight. Joe compartmentalizes always has. I can't my life it explodes into being…whatever shit storm, joy, love, it all explodes. He used to have my back, no matter what we did shit together and now. We're on different planets." She sniffled.

John stood behind her with his hands bracketing either side of the rail. To an outsider they'd look like a loving couple. It seemed odd that they took comfort in each other but they did. "Nicole and I well we aren't even a thing anymore so even if I had advice to give you, you shouldn't take it."

I'm sorry about Nicole I mean." She turns to face him and for the first time in ages they're sharing space and not fighting. He moved away from her obviously struggling with something.

He clears his throat and puts distance between them. He wants to touch her. To feel human contact a connection. There is only one kind of connection they're good at so he shoves his hands in the ratty pockets of his work out shorts. "Don't be with Luca I gave her the shiny little life she wanted and now I can't so she's done."

She goes around the deck cleaning up his mess. "That's still shitty. Joe and I fight but he won't leave. He loves me at least I hope he still does and I know I still love him. You deserve love John everyone does."

"And I had it. It just doesn't last forever. Fairytales aren't real Cam you know that."

"Just don't tell Tessa that… she still has a soft spot for her Bubba Daddy." Cam smiled at his softly pitching the Chinese takeout cartons in the fire pit. "I know this might sound crazy, but did you push her away? Because I know how you get. And she seemed pretty fine with what arrangement you had?" she pushes him just a little.

"You explode and I implode." He allowed.

She lightly shiver him toward the kitchen "Hmm, come on I'll make you some dinner to soak up the booze and call a cab. You do have food right?"

"Yes I have food. Bread and baloney is food."

"That is not food. We'll order out… no Chinese. "She said firmly.

=/=/=

She turns on the video but leaves off the captions. Somehow it makes it more real. Like he's there with her in their tiny apartment sitting on his mom's old couch.

Off camera someone asks him a question. "When did I know I wanted to marry Sage? At the end of the first date. One of my Dad's is half Samoan and in Samoan culture you treat your woman with an almost revered respect. I used to watch the way he looked at my mother…like she was and still is everything that holds beauty in his world… like he's utterly awed by her. The first time I caught myself looking at Sage like that I knew. I'm in awe of her every day and that's when I was all in until I had no more time left." Only Luca could so easily embrace life and accept the shortness of it. It makes her smile even as she's crying. Everyone thought she was crazy to love someone who she knew she would outlive but Luca's zest to fully live life was contagious and made you forget ant obstacle.

He's there in fully lively color in his suit his tie done and a careless smile on his face and her heart stutters.

There's a tap at her shoulder. She turns to see her best friend Lucy. Lucy looks all wild with black fading to blue hair flowing down her shoulders. Lucy's Cupid's bow piercing glints in the light as she speaks. "You've gotta stop watching that video Sage. It's like waterboarding your soul."

"It's my only connection to him." She signs quickly once her friend sits down.

"No, it's not and you know it you're just afraid of the truth." Lucy advises patting her knee.

"I miss Luca; he was the best friend who knew when to shut up." She signs with an eye roll thrown in.

"I love you so I'm going to let that one slide on account of your grief."

"I watch it because I miss watching him as he says my name. There's something about the way he formed the word that was so different, so personal and deep that when he said it I felt like that part of me… the living in silence piece of me found some way to be heard… when he said my name I felt it, I heard it and I'm afraid to let it go." She sign and Lucy hugged her.

Lucy said after letting her loose. "Why? He'd want you to let him go."

"Because Luce, I will never find it again."

"I wouldn't be so sure. Light seeps through the cracks of the most broken heart Sage." Lucy said holding her and shutting off the TV.

AN: I own nothing but Cam, Luca, Tessa, Jonah, Maclaren and Lucy. Tell me if you liked it, tell me if you hated it!-MM


	2. Chapter 2

Everyone thinks he is fine that he has no problems; they're sure he misses his child but he put his head down and went to work so it can't be all that bad. Everyone is wrong.

He opens his eyes and stares up at the nondescript ceiling and just for a moment he forgets where is and everything feels normal. Then something feels off the more awake he becomes the more reality bleeds in. Oh, Luca, its Luca he's gone and that weight lands on his chest again.

"Please don't be real…." He mutters to himself as he turns over his hotel bed. He knows it's real he isn't stupid; he just wishes sometimes in weak moments that it is some dark dream. The first few mornings he even pinched himself, the sharp twist of pain a cruel truth.

Now though he just gets up and showers, he has the strap and it's all on him as he has taken over being the company flagship.

His phone trills when he's shampooing his hair. He lets it go to voice mail.

When he gets out he wraps a towel around his waist and plays the voicemail. "Hey joe, I'm not even sure you realize what today is but Happy Anniversary. We've made it an even dozen! Love you… I'm going into work today; send me good vibes so I make it through the day. Our spawns say h!"

They played phone tag every day for pretty much their entire relationship and this isn't the first milestone spent miles apart nor will it be the last.

He calls her and her cheery voiced assistant answers. "Campbell Anoa'I unit production supervisor for WWE productions, Harper speaking how may I direct your call?"

"Hey Harper its Joe is Cam around."

"She's in the editing bay for Total Divas and asked not to be disturbed; the flowers you sent were lovely. Can I take a message?" Harper replied in a clipped yet happy tone.

"Huh? No, Harp can you make a reservation at Prime on Wednesday for me? Around 8?" He asked.

"Sure no problem." She agreed

Joe looks at his account at no point had there been a flower charge, Nikki must of done it for him.

-/-/-

As Campbell watches the footage at first she passes the conversations between Joe and Nikki off as friendly or just being civil but as the footage rolls on their connection deepens before her eyes. It's not sexual at least not from what she can see but the fact that he has spoken more to John's ex in a month than he has to her in three hurts like hell.

She knows how much pain Joe's in she's not daft but to see how willing he is to lay it out to Nikki on private plane rides and in quiet dinners makes her angry. It feels like a betrayal, or an affair.

For the first time in months when she leaves hiding tears behind her Jackie O's it has nothing to do with Luca.

-/-/-

They had to meet up for dinner because his schedule is so full and at first he thinks that's what has her panties in a twist but as she sits across from him in sleek black dress, her strawberry blonde hair suddenly platinum. Giving him a dark blue eyed death stare he knows it's something deeper.

"Why'd you change your hair?" he asked trying to be conversational.

"Felt like it, but you like fake women I'm just trying to compete." She quips all fire and ice and he's somewhat confused by her comments.

"Is that a wig or just boxed dye? I know you Cammie and you're not a wild hair type." He smirked reaching forward to touch it but she backs out of his grasp.

She re-crossed her legs and eyed him. "Then I guess we don't know each other that well because I paid hundreds for it, do you not like it?"

He sipped his water. "Not particularly seeing as you did it just to get to me."

She speared a tomato in her salad and ate it before giving a delicate shrug and replying. "Huh, John liked it two outta three ain't bad." She has the nerve to smile at him and it sends his anger skyrocketing.

"You seem to be spending a lot of time with him. Should I worry?" he hedged, She would never cheat he knows that or so he tells himself. He's just trying to garner a reaction.

"Should I?" She counters with a lifted eye brow before continuing on. "He brought me Luca's car, he finished it for him. He saw it then." She offered as explanation.

He tries to get them back on track. "Hmm, okay. Can we just spend time together I haven't seen just you in weeks,"

"Sure, I have been transferred from movies to over seeing some of the channel content production wise. That match with Randy, you sold it but that one hit looked like it hurt." She said by way of conversation.

"Iced my shoulder its fine now,"

She nods sympathetically "I saw that, Nikki helped you, don't worry it hit the cutting room floor, John won't come after you. Your dinner and heartfelt conversation did however make the cut. Good luck explaining that to me."

Ah there's Cam's issue. She's jealous. "There's nothing to explain, we're friends and we have common ground."

"You always let your friend's eye fuck you or do you just her?"

He stares at her for a minute. "Damn it Cammie! I have never cheated not once and you know it!"

"Yeah really? Excuse me for wondering. Surely it has nothing to do with not touching me with a ten foot pole for the past six months." What she said is true they haven't been intimate in months but her calling it out in public embarrasses him.

"I'm not doing this with you! I'm not justifying myself to you!" he got up and walked out Leaving her in the fancy restaurant before the entrée was even served. She gets up and leaves. She takes a cab home. She'd taken a car service from work and had planned to go home with Joe.

-/-/-

When she got out of the cab she saw her sister sitting on the stoop. She dissolved into tears as she went up the path. "What's happening to us? He left me in a restraint on our anniversary. He didn't even send those flowers; he knows I'm allergic to gardenias. I'm not that insecure woman who tears into her man for every little thing. We're coming apart at the seams. He used to love me, even if it meant it was hard. He loved me, now I'm not sure." Plops down on the stoop next to Maclaren.

"Come inside. I'll make some coffee. And I'll tell you what I think you should do."

"My kids are inside."

"He's not though and the kids are upstairs watching Finding Nemo." Mac stood and pulled Campbell to her feet.

"Okay."

-/-/-

Cam drank from a mug Tessa had made for her in kindergarten. Mess is mine by Vance Joy plays lowly on the radio above the sink. "This plan to save us all, what is it? Because, I gotta say I'm tapped emotionally." Cam said tiredly.

"No you aren't. Just thinking about it being over has you in tears you ain't done. You just need someone to help you fight." Maclaren leaned on the island.

Cam looked to the woman across from her. "What? Like, grief counseling?"

"Exactly. Couples therapy."

Cam shook her head and looked at the marble of the island. "He'll never go for it. Samoan men just don't do things like that."

"Then he needs to be convinced. The two of you never grieved together. You need that. Therapy will help."

"Mackie…" she laughed tiredly. "You can't grieve with someone, you just you can't but you can be there and hold someone up but he's not even present when he's here…I try, I do. He doesn't grieve at all. He works. I'm broken and he's solid as oak and it pisses me off."

"Try it Hermana, you got nothing to lose." Her sister said softly.

"We've already lost everything." Cam sniffed back a fresh wave of tears.

"No, you lost someone. Not everything, you still have me, and Tess and Jonah."

Cam shook her head. "I didn't mean it like that."

"No, but it feels that way. You need to remember feelings are things not the truth."

-/-/=

When he stumbles in half drunk she's sitting in the chair at the end of the bed that she sits in to take off her shoes.

"Do you love me? Please be honest, it's important." He startles at her voice the room is dark he doesn't see her there.

He sighed. "That's a stupid question Kealoha."

"Answer anyway." She retorted tiredly.

He said , I do." He was afraid of what he'd find in her eyes as he snapped on a lamplight.

"Then will you help me try to save whatever is left of us and go talk to someone?"

"And if I say I don't want to talk to anyone?" He asked pulling off his dress shirt.

"Then I say you risk losing me." She countered dead seriously.

Their room was filled with silence. Joe had no need to weigh the option, he'd lost her already on some level and he wanted her back. His o'hana was broken and he needed that back. "Alright." His reply was barely that of a whisper.

"Thank you."

He sat on the end of the bed with a defeated thunk. "Don't thank me for fighting for you. It makes me feel dirty.

She got to her feet and gathered a night shirt. "Okay. I'm going to sleep with Tessa. She's been sleep walking."

"Alright." Joe knew he was too drunk to argue. "Cammie she's really sleep walking?"

She nods pulling her white blonde hair into a ponytail. "Yeah, she was to the front door last week. Set off the alarm, it's a sign of emotional distress."

"Damn. Okay come get me if you need me take a shift."

"I need to be a better mom, I got it." She moved to the door.

"Goodnight, I love you."

"Back at ya Joey." She walked away.

=/-/-

She sighed and looked at her husband from across the therapist couch. "I don't understand you Joe, you think that just because you love me, wait excuse me loved me. That it was this great unbreakable thing, that because my love for you was as close to zealous hero worship as a woman can get that you could simply command me to be well I was just going dry up my tears and dust off my knees that were broken by the weight of my tears like it was nothing. Just another day right Joe? "

"I just-"

She snarled at him. "It is not your turn to speak. That is not how this works Joe! You can't dry up the rivers of grief left behind by having a dead child, and don't say that, that isn't what you want. Because it's cleaner and not so goddamned hard right? I fell apart because this is hard, and it fucking hurts, I fell apart because I know what his heartbeat felt like by holding him to my own heart. I broke because I memorized the way his eyelashes fell the last time he closed his eyes. I lost my shit because my twenty one year old child was a faithful man. He had a tan line when I took off his wedding band to give it Sage." She wiped away hot angry tears tracking down her too pale and world weary face.

"I was heartbroken because he was so afraid of missing out on life that he married the first girl he loved and he did it well. I should be proud but instead I'm pissed that he didn't have time for mistakes. The devastation I felt when I realized the relief I thought I'd feel over his no longer feeling pain was never going to come for me was crippling."

He remains silent and she screamed in frustration. "You wanted to work it out well here we are! Say something! Explain to me how you can just stone face me when I lay it all out for you to judge! How do you justify turning to Nicole? Not only that but throwing it in my face the way you did! I am your wife and not once in twelve years had I ever felt betrayed, or cheated until that day in the stupid fucking editing room! You can cry, and you sure as fuck can share just not with me right?"

"I'm the man! I'm not supposed to be crushed!" He shouted in response.

"I never once said that!" She shouted back.

"I think everyone just needs to take a moment and breathe. Both of you are dealing with a great loss and emotions." Therapist Dr. Haley Sands cut in.

"Thanks for the update doc; there for half a second we forgot our kid was dead! I wasn't mad at him I was just saying I never said that and I don't understand why he feels that way." Cam snarled.

"Cammie!" Joe admonished.

Dr. Sands interrupted. "No Joe, its okay Cam is entitled to any emotion in this room. It's a safe place for both of you. Cam I'm going to ask you to pause and think about what you heard when he responded. It doesn't have to be exactly what he said just what you heard."

"That I didn't allow him to grieve but-"

The Doctor shook her head as she glanced at her watch. "Ah. No qualifiers just your honest feelings. We're almost out of time but I have an assignment for the two of you to do at home. I want the two of you to disconnect from the world, no phones, no TV, no anything. I want you to go into a room any room in the house but the bedroom and I want you to sit facing each other and just look at each other, focus on your partner and think about them, not in connotation with your children just about each other. You cannot communicate verbally. You may touch, no sex, then after you do this for 15 to 30 minutes you will journal about what you thought of, felt, or observed in your partner. We will follow it up next session. Do not think negatively either."

-/-/-/-

"This feels weird." Cam said as they begin the exercise.

"I think it's supposed to…Shhh." He said suppressing groan.

"Right, gotta be quiet sorry." She shakes herself out then goes still.

As Cam sits Indian style in the living room floor with Sweet Jane by Cowboy Junkies playing in the back ground she does what is asked of her and honestly at first it feels like she's just staring at Joe blankly but then she notices the laugh lines around his eyes she used to love his easy humor and bright smile, the way he made her happy. The gray creeping in on his temples reminds her just how far they've come. There's a bruise splashed on his shoulder she has no idea how he got. She has to bite her tongue to not ask. The way he's sitting sort of stooped in on himself strikes her as off. She must be scowling because he is scowling back. It makes her wonder if she has somehow unknowingly broken him. Tears spring to her eyes. She loves him so much that the pain of hurting him hits like a wave. She hitches in a breath as reaches over to brush her hair out her eyes.

Even sitting Indian style in yoga pants and a tank top Cammie sits ramrods straight but hey that's his girl, she's tough. Organized, honest clear minded. She hasn't been herself for months, there are dark circles under her eyes and he thinks of what it feels like to sleep with her in his arms, even miles away she used to feel close, now they are on different planets. Part of that's on him, he knows what the platinum hair is, a misplaced cry for attention. To be seen. He knows that need stems far beyond their time together, even past Luca, someone with no parents fights to be noticed, loved, understood. He used to be good at it, now though it feels heavy. He still loves her. He'd never stopped. The sight of her tears rips into him. She reached out to intertwine their fingers. He loved her… beyond everything but some part of them died with Luca and if they can't get it back again how do they rebuild what they've lost? Her breath hitches and he brushed her hair back and swept away her tears.

She kissed him because he's crying and she can't ask why. I love you, I love you, I love you, please don't leave me, I don't mean to be so broken she thinks.

He kissed her back because it's good to feel something even if it is lust, totally unchecked. He smirked thinking that the doctor didn't know them all that well they like sex on the floor. Carpet burns be damned.

She kissed him hard pulling at his Henley then stopped. "No, sex it was a rule…" she said a little breathlessly as she carefully gets out of his lap. "Prude." He teased as she walked away.

"Because I love you and chose to not be hurtful to you I have no retort." She said firmly back in control.

"I'll take it."

She turns back and she looks at him stretched in the floor. "I love you. I miss the laughter that used to live here. You taught me how to breathe I miss it."

He winked at her. "I still see you. I love you too."

-/-/-/-

**AN: I own nothing but Campbell, Maclaren, Tessa, Jonah, and Sage and of course Luca! If you liked it drop me a line. - MM**


	3. Chapter 3

When she gets on the little commuter jet with Joe and some of the other veteran talent she noticed him texting someone before takeoff with a little smile on his face.

She leaned over into his space. "Who is she?" she asked meaning to sound conspiratorial and teasing but it comes off more possessive than she intends.

He looked at her oddly. "Cammie. It's Cammie."

"That's a change…"

He sighed giving Nikki a measured glance. "Look I gotta try with Cammie and not for my kids, but I gotta try because I love her. In order to do that to really give it all I got? I have got to quit using the fact that we loved Luca in the same way as a crutch Nicole. Because I accidently shut my wife out."

Hearing she's nothing more than a crutch stings like a wasps nest has been planted on her chest. She simply lifts her chin. "Back off I got it."

"That's not…Thank you."

"I wish John would fight for me." She whispered

"That's a two sided fight my friend." He replied.

As silence filled the cabin air she ordered a screw driver from the attendant totally ignoring Bryan's recriminating stare.

-/-/-/-

After the show she takes a nameless stranger to bed. In hopes to numb the pain she feels, the constant ache of missing John and the life she thought they had. She uses the sex to forget the things she's hiding from. She's hiding from the pain of the fact that she'd wasted her life loving John a man who refused to give her children with the exception of Luca who wasn't even halfway hers because John had refused to marry. The hardest thing is to grieve the loss of Luca alone. Grieving everything she had given up for false dreams and half-truths.

She can lose herself in the rhythm and the heat of it all the release of endorphins overriding her sorrow. It even overrides just for a moment feeling of losing a battle buddy, a friend, when Joe told her to back off today. It had hurt more than she expected. Maybe they were too close but Nicole honestly liked him she'd never expected to like Joe.

She can hear her mother somewhere in the back of her head telling her that to be with John needed to learn to be okay alone she had never mastered that.

When the guy rolls off her and high ebbs away she feels just as cold inside as she has for the past six months.

-/-/-

John sits in the gorilla enclosure sipping his Jack hidden a Big Gulp cup. "Sir we're about to close." A woman about Luca's age said giving him a gentle nudge meant to encourage him on to his feet.

He murmured sadly watching the Silverback sleep. "My son loved it here…He thought the gorillas would be something to see."

"And were they?" She asked with a gentle smile.

John shrugged laughing to himself. "Nah they were asleep, and so were we. Actually he loved the big cats I think." He squinted in thought.

Unbidden tears hit him and he shoves them away. "I loved this tiny spot though…it symbolized hope… now though I'm not sure what it means or what I'm supposed to hope for." He got sloppily to his feet. "See you next week." he read her name tag. "Tatum."

She looked at him with so much kindness and humor his heart ached. Who woulda thought simple kindness could make him miss his boy. "Sir if you take a cab? I will pretend that's tea in your cup."

"Deal kid, you got a pretty name." He said.

"Thanks, my Dad named me."

He walked away from the curly headed girl thinking two things. One he missed being called Dad. Two, Luke would have liked that girl.

-/-/-

They sit in the little room that smells like whole field of lavender has taken up residence in Joe's nose he knows it's meant to relax him but it's truly just given him a headache and nothing more.

He looks at Cam who is fiddling with her journal. He wants to reach over and touch her but is too afraid of being rebuffed.

"Cam could you please read your journal work from the exercise to Joe?" She nods. "Turn and face him as you do. Acknowledgement of him is important."

"Okay…:" She turns toward him giving him a tremulous smile. "Okay here goes…"

She cleared her throat. "When did I break him? How did I do this? It was never my intention to leave him so beaten down. He doesn't even look the same. I'm not sure how losing Luca made us old but we are… we're old. He looks so worn and I just want to fix it, I don't know how though because… he doesn't talk to me. Fighting isn't talking. I wonder sometimes if when looks at me he sees all the time lost trying to love me. I'm hard to love…"She pauses to swallow back tears and wipe away the few that escape and Joe's heart feels wrenched out as she continues on.

She shrugged but her voice broke. "I know that and I know for as much as he loved Luca it was added weight a responsibility I never expected anyone to want. In some ways especially Luca colored in what our relationship looked like. Neither of us can maintain our balance since the loss..." She took a breath as though acknowledging the loss is like being punched.

More tears drip silently down her face. "I hope he still loves me. I pray I haven't pushed him away too hard and too far, If I have…" she bites her lip and chokes back a sob.

"Hey Cammie…" he started to speak and reached out for her trying to nudge her chin so she looks up at him.

The doctor jumps in. "Let her finish Joe, She's okay."

"If I have it's my own fault, I will never forgive myself for it either. I love him and I'm not sure he knows or if I can say it in a way he can understand. I feel like he's going to leave me, he's the only person to make me feel like I belonged somewhere. Me, little orphan Cammie. I love you. Please, please, don't leave me. I can't lose you too."

He immediately reaches out and brushes the tears off her cheeks. "Joe…" the doctor interrupts.

"No, let me fix this part please? We're here to fix us and I need to say this so just let me?" he pleads.

He holds her face in hands so she can't look away. "I love you. Do you hear me? I love you and I'm leaving, I'm not running, and I'm not going to die."

Her body shakes with force of trying to hold in her tears. "But he did…" She said having broken down into heart wrenching sobs. "He died and he left me… everyone leaves me." He gathered her to him.

As he holds her he speaks into her platinum hair, yeah he still hates that. "I'm not going anywhere Cammie. I'm here and I'm ready to fight for us. For as long as it takes, you know I don't know how to quit."

Once Campbell's tears have calmed Dr. Sands sets them back on track. "Joe would you please read yours now?"

Joe sort of freezes for a second afraid of what showing his feelings will mean and or feel like. Cammie squeezes his hand and he remembers a time when his girl deserved his all. Above all else he was all hers. He wants it back being all hers so he opens his mouth and tells the unvarnished truth as he feels it.

"As I look at her my epically strong, indomitable wife I wonder how we ended up here in this place. Staring at each other, not communicating. We're totally different people trapped within ourselves. I find myself jealous that she gets to feel the loss nobody questions her if it shows on her face. No one cares if her work suffers because grief steals away your every thought. I'm tired of shoveling work, anger, silence, and indifference on top of the pain so no one sees it. I feel awful for being jealous that the person I love most feels the worst pain. I'm the man, I work and I provide I keep moving. I don't have the time to be sad." Cammie looks so wounded he can't breathe.

"Is there more?" Dr. Sands prods.

He nods. The words blur on the page, he realized he was crying. In front of Cammie.

"Then continue, she'll survive."

"Really the only thing I want to do at all is be with Cammie. To cry with her, to be angry with her and not at her. She's my world, my partner, the person who taught me what grace was, the holy kind that's hard to find. She looks so tired, she's trying to keep up her mask and keep going. I want to help her; I used to just know…I want to talk to her. I want her back. I want her to know I love her. I want us to survive."

He looks to Cam afraid of what he will see after laying his truth bare. "This is a start Joey." She gifted him with a tender smile.

-/-/-

She stands in the aisle carrying all manner of contraceptives and pregnancy tests. Lucy taps her shoulder with more force than usual. "Yes." She said glancing over shoulder.

"Pick a box." Lucy signed and if Sage could hear she knew the tone would be dry, impatient, perplexed. "Either you are pregnant or you aren't so take a goddam test before you end up on "On I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant: Grieving Widow Edition!" She said.

Before Sage can even think it through she's responding loudly and without bothering to sign anything. "You're right either Am or I'm not but what you're forgetting is that my baby could have the same horrible fucking thing that took Luca from me! If that happens I'll be ten times more wrecked than Luke's entire family combined because I will be widowed and eventually childless so excuse me for being afraid to pee on the goddamned stick Lucy!" She explodes all over her best friend.

You can hear a pin drop throughout Rite-Aid. She knows because she can see the shock on her fellow shoppers faces. Operational ears not being a requirement.

AN: I own nothing but the OC's Tatum is a drop in from another Verse if you can name which story and chapter in which she makes original debut you will get a surprise next chapter! If you liked it tell me! Thanks as always, to you the reader and my silent partner in crime…-MM


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